Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Rainbows and Butterflies: that's what we make our lives seem like on our blogs, right? Of course, there's the "let's get real" kind of posts, or ones where we do silly vents or reveal our first world problems. But, behind that, sometimes there are real problems that exist. I'm going to open up a bit about something I've been struggling with lately.
Joel's a good man, he really is. But lately...I don't know. We're...off. This is not to say that I think our marriage is in trouble or that we are headed off to "D-Ville." Not. At. All. But, we have been out of sync lately. Marriage is hard. I know that. We've been pretty blessed that our relationship has been fairly easy so far. Sure, we're always giving our best effort. That's a no-brainer. But, it hasn't been hard at all.
I know one part of it is that we are both wanting different things out of life right now. Joel is getting promoted this month, due to all of his hard work. I am so proud of him. He also just hit his ten year mark in the Air Force. He is loving his career, and can't wait for our upcoming PCS. Me? I am quite miserable professionally. Yes, I have a great job, and yes, it pays well. But, I am way over qualified and it brings me absolutely no professional satisfaction. Basically, my job doesn't make a difference to anyone outside of my immediate co-workers (which I have to say I am blessed with some decent ones).
Just finishing my MAED, I really wanted to look for jobs in cities I've always wanted to live in. Nashville, Chicago, or even back in my home of Indianapolis. But, I can't do that. Why? There are no Air Force bases so that we can be stationed there. Basically, if I get a job there, I don't get to be with Joel. And, to be honest...I'm bitter about that. Really bitter. Not at him, per se, but kind of like...why can he have his dream, but I can't have mine? And it's hard. It's hard that he's excited and loves what he does, and I can't have that. And I can't even apply around here, because it's not fair to whatever school might hire me.
And I don't want to sell our house, which I love. But we have to, because we probably won't even get stationed here again. I don't want to sell my car, which I love. But, I have to. Joel's is an SUV, and mine's a VW, so his is more practical. And we are only allowed to take two pets, so I either have to leave one behind (which is like asking me to leave one child behind), or smuggle one in, which is what we are going to attempt. I want roots. I want to stay in one spot, and have our routine, and forever friends, and a community. He's of the mindset that "home is wherever the military sends us." And I've done my best to make every new place a home. But, then I fall in love with our new home, and it soon gets ripped away.
And to top this all off, he's not being a good listener. He's not being empathetic. I think he doesn't know how to handle me, and to be honest, I don't know how to handle what I am feeling, either. He doesn't remember conversations that we have, and I am tired of repeating myself. I'm just...tired. I find myself talking to him less because, lately, why bother? I have no energy from my headaches, which is making me worst wife of the year in a lot of ways.
He's a good man, he is. But we are struggling. And I am struggling. And it's hurting our relationship. Will we persevere? Of course. We love each other, and even though I am the biggest supporter of "needing more than love," we have more. We are hard working people that love each other very much. We will work through this, because we will both put in the effort to. But, right now? It's hard, and I'm hurting. And I'm not really sure, at the moment, where to go from here.